Myths and Facts about Domestic Violence

FACT:  Domestic Violence is about Power and Control, not Anger

MYTH:  Domestic Violence is a private family matter.
FACT:  Domestic violence (also called spouse abuse, battering, women abuse and wife beating) is not just a family problem. It is a crime with serious repercussions.

MYTH:  The violence isn't really serious.
FACT:  Domestic violence can involve threats, pushing, punching, slapping, strangling/choking, sexual assault, and assault weapons. It is rarely a one-time occurrence and usually escalates in frequency and severity over time. Any act of domestic violence is something to take seriously.

MYTH:  Domestic violence doesn't happen in my neighborhood.
FACT:  Domestic violence occurs among all ages, races, and religions. It happens to people of all educational and income levels. It happens everywhere.

MYTH:  The victim provokes the abuser past the breaking point. They are asking to be hit.
FACT:  The person exhibiting the behavior is the one responsible for that behavior. A person can provoke a feeling (e.g. anger) but what a person chooses to do with their anger (e.g. become violent) is their responsibility. Anger is a feeling. Violence is a behavior. Each one of us is responsible for our own actions.

MYTH:  Drug and alcohol abuse causes domestic violence.
FACT:  Men who batter frequently make excuses for their violence, claiming loss of control due to alcohol or drug use. Although drug and alcohol abuse may intensify existing violent behavior, it does not cause domestic violence.
 
MYTH:  Perpetrators of domestic violence abuse their partners or spouses because they are under a lot of stress or unemployed.
FACT:  Stress or unemployment does not cause batterers to abuse their partners. Since domestic violence cuts across socioeconomic lines, domestic abuse cannot be attributed to unemployment or poverty. Similarly, advocates note that if stress caused domestic violence, batterers would assault their bosses or co-workers rather than their intimate partners.

MYTH:  The abuser is just "out of control.”
FACT:  The abuser is very much in control. An abuser chooses when, where, and with whom to use violence. The violence is not random, nor is it directed at the employer, neighbor, or a stranger on the street. The abuser also typically chooses to be abusive when there will be the least consequences.
 
MYTH:  A man would not beat his pregnant wife.
FACT:  Domestic violence often begins or escalates during pregnancy. Testimony before Congress indicated that 50% of abusive husbands batter their pregnant wives. Other statistics show that between 25% and 40% of battered women were assaulted while pregnant.

MYTH:  Low self-esteem causes victims to get involved in abusive relationships.
FACT:  Studies have demonstrated that victims of domestic violence fail to share common characteristics other than being female. There is little support for the theory that low self-esteem causes victims to become involved in abusive relationships, however, some victims may experience a decrease in self-esteem as a result of being abused, since perpetrators frequently degrade, humiliate, and criticize victims.

MYTH:  Victims of domestic violence like to be beaten.
FACT:  Victims of domestic violence desperately want the abuse to end, and engage in various survival strategies, including calling the police or seeking help from family members to protect themselves and their children. Silence may also be a survival strategy in some cases. Moreover, enduring a beating to keep the batterer from attacking the children may be a coping strategy used by a victim, but does not mean the victim enjoys it.

MYTH:  Children are not affected when one parent abuses the other.
FACT:  Studies how that in 50-70% of cases in which a parent abuses another parent, the children are also physically abused. Children also suffer emotional, cognitive, behavioral, and developmental impairments as a result of witnessing domestic violence in the home. In addition, some children (especially boys) who experience domestic violence in their homes grow up to repeat the same behavioral patterns.

MYTH:  Marriage or couples counseling is a good recommendation for people in an abusive relationship.
FACT:  Abuse is a control issue, not a communication issue. Couples counseling is unsafe for the victim until the abuser accepts the responsibility of his use of violence, the impact it has had on the couple or family, and has ceased using violence completely.

MYTH:  It is easy for a woman to leave her abuser.
FACT:  There are many, many reasons why it is difficult for a woman to leave:

• Studies show that the battered woman has the highest risk when she attempts to leave.

• Her partner may have used violence to stop her when she tried to leave in the past.

• She may not know about available resources to assist her.

• If she is financially dependent on her partner and leaves with her children she will likely face severe hardships.

• Social and justice systems may have been unresponsive, insensitive, or ineffective in the past.

• Religious, cultural, or family pressures may make her believe it is her duty to keep her marriage together at all costs.

• Her emotional ties to her partner may still be strong, supporting her hope that the violence will end.

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